The last few days i've been thinking about what to blog about. Nothing felt right. I typed things out only to delete them seconds later. Nothing was feeling natural about my writing. Then I realized what the problem was…I was trying to blog about things that weren't "me". I wasn't blogging about the real life things happening in our life at this moment.
My blog has always been a place where i've come to express myself. Writing gives me a sense of relief and restores my sanity most days. In this process of starting my blog, I've posted a lot of great and happy posts. Things that make me happy, happy moments in our life, etc, etc…
Unfortunately life isn't always those happy things. It isn't always the picture perfect life we imagined in our head. Im ready to talk about the "not so happy things" going on in my life. It's whats relevant right now in my life. Im nervous, scared, and anxious to talk about these types of things on my blog. It opens up a whole new can of worms in the social media world. I'm afraid of the reactions from people, i'm afraid of what cruel things people will say, and i'm afraid because putting this out in the public makes it more real for me. But I want to be real and I want share the highs AND the lows. No matter what.
If you're close to me, you know that for about the past two years I was dealing with some medical "road bumps" as I like to call them. I truly thought that was the worst of what I would ever go through. A few months ago I got tests back that said all that stuff was resolved and no longer an issue. Great! I was in the clear! I was seriously so excited and just thrilled that this wasn't going to stress me out any more.
(THE TMI PART IS COMING. MEN, YOU MIGHT WANT TO EXIT NOW)
Rewind to a few months back. I was having the worst cycles of my life. I normally have a pretty painful cycle, however this was a new level of pain. Throwing up, curled in the fetal position screaming in pain, and overall just miserable. I knew something wasn't right. I thought it might just be an abnormal cycle so I waited for the next one. Same thing, same pain, same symptoms. 90% of the time I cry during the day just thinking about my cycle starting because I know what pain is about to start. This time I decided to make a doctors appointment.
I get to this doctor and I see the nurse practitioner. She asks me a bunch of questions which all result in "oh it's probably nothing!" She talks with me for MAYBE three mins and ends with "here's a prescription for ibuprofen. see you when you're pregnant!" I remember thinking to myself…"what just happened?!" She didn't check ANYTHING, she kept ignoring ALL my symptoms telling me it was "probably nothing", and didn't even want to check on me in a few months if the pain didn't stop.
I got home a knew I wanted a second opinion from another doctor.
So I called someone else, made an appointment, and waited.
I get to the new doctors office, we talk about all my symptoms, and I just really felt like he was LISTENING. I didn't feel like he was trying to get me in and out of the office. After a 10 min talk about everything, he wanted to do an exam. After he is done, he sits back down and tells me what I never thought I would hear from a doctor. "Well, from everything we've talked about and what I'm feeling/the pain you're in, I think its endometriosis." ….*big gulp* My eyes instantly started welling with tears. I didn't know what to say, or ask, or anything. I WAS NOT expecting that.
We talked about things that will happen in the coming months but mainly focused on getting my pain under control. The pain is something intolerable. I started a new medication this last cycle and I truly feel like it has helped. Thank the Lord. I've also gone gluten free to try and help with the inflammation, which in turn should help with the pain.
At 24 years young, I never thought I would have to deal with something like this. It never once crossed my mind. I truly thought when we were ready to have kids we would get pregnant without any hesitation. I know this isn't something that keeps us from having kids, but its a major setback that I wasn't anticipating. Its hard for me to pretend like i'm okay and none of this is bothering me. It takes everything in me not to cry every time someone new announces that they are pregnant. Not because i'm not happy for them, I just wish so badly it was me. If you've ever struggled with getting pregnant, you know how I feel.
The coming months are going to be interesting, and difficult, and overall different. My posts might be changing seeing as my life has taken on a big change itself, but i'm not sorry for that. I need to talk about this for me. I need to talk about this to get my emotions out. I need to talk about this in hopes of finding other people who have gone through this and can relate and lift me up on my bad days, and vice versa.
If you've read this far, thank you.
This hasn't been easy for me to post. I hope you continue to read and follow along in this new journey of mine. Until next time, I hope you have a great day. XO
Labels: arizona blogger, endometriosis, gluten free, lifestyle blogger, mom blogger, trying to conceive, ttc